Carolyn Hax: Am I controlling him or is he gaslighting me?

A reader struggles to understand the roles of control and gaslighting in a relationship power struggle. ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌  ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

Sign up for this newsletter Read online Advice to help you tackle life's problems.     (Nick Galifianakis for The Post) Am I controlling him or is he gaslighting me? Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I am a bit confused. I know boundaries = YOU decide what you think, what you discuss, whom you see, where you go, how you spend your time, what you value, where you live, how you guide the trajectory of your life. I know gaslighting is being [twisted] out of your own judgment. But sometimes I feel like the two concepts are playing tug-of-war. For example, if my partner is choosing to spend time with his friends instead of prioritizing our family and our home, he is exercising his right to do what he wants. So when I talk to him about putting our family low on his priorities, am I pushing his boundaries? If he calls me sensitive for feeling sad, is he gaslighting me? Why is this hard to understand? — Tug-of-War Read Carolyn's Response     ADVERTISEMENT   Want more? Carolyn's been writing her advice column for two decades. Explore the archives below. 'Happy birthday' is okay. 'You're overreacting' isn't. Read more »   Her sister-in-law has the starring role in a mean group chat Read more »   Working from home reveals extent of husband's health issues Read more »     We think you'll like this newsletter Check out Must Reads for a curated selection of our best journalism in your inbox every Saturday, plus a peek behind the scenes into how one story came together. Sign up »

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