 (Nick Galifianakis for The Post) | Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I recently discovered that my spouse spent between $30,000 and $40,000 over the past year on clothes. About 15 percent of the charges were on our shared credit card, but many were on the credit card they have for their business, which I don't have access to, in a deliberate attempt to conceal the spending. Of course, they paid the credit card off from our joint account, which is how I found out. We cannot afford to spend that much on anything except rent. If it were me, I know I'd trip over myself to express contrition. I'm sure they'd demand, and I'd acknowledge the need for, transparency. So I'd not simply give over the log-in and password for the card account, but I'd take it upon myself to create a spreadsheet detailing everything I had spent. In contrast, they are mad at me for being mad at them. They've acknowledged that it was "wrong" and said that they have "shame," but they seem more interested in talking about how I'm "not interested" in hearing how lonely they've been and how (implicitly) that should excuse their behavior. I've plainly expressed that I need there to be an accounting — because, among other things, they're denying the amount, even in the face of the plain numbers. Even when I've said, in couples therapy, how hard it is for me to even ask for the log-in and password — without actually asking for it, which I can't bring myself to do for fear of their reaction — they don't voluntarily give it. The conversation is not over, and thankfully our therapist said that next session she wants us to "talk about money," but I'm having trouble contemplating how a person can even be this way. I'm not discounting their feelings of loneliness, and it has been a rough couple of years for nearly everyone. But I'm very troubled by their seeming reluctance to acknowledge just how obscenely irresponsible they've been. And by my inability to really confront it for fear of their reaction, which is a pattern. I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking. I think I just need validation: This is a pretty outrageous scenario, right? I'm not wrong to be furious (which I've barely expressed) and to require transparency and contrition? As I said, we're in therapy, which predates this whole spending reveal, so there is other not-dissimilar stuff going on. — Anonymous | 
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