 (Nick Galifianakis for The Post) | Adapted from an online discussion. Hi Carolyn: My new mother-in-law scares me. She's rude, and she yells at everyone. Every conversation with her is either negative or aggressive. She also loves to give unsolicited advice. Attempts to install a boundary with her resulted in her taking it out on my spouse indirectly, causing us many problems (i.e., threatening to cut off his inheritance). Before meeting her, I had been warned by my spouse that she could be a bit of a bully. Most of her family had cut her off because of her rude behavior, and she cut off the rest. I thought this had nothing to do with me and that I could get along with her. I was wrong. She yells a lot to get her way. (Not at me, but she yells at her husband, my spouse, the waiters, my neighbors, etc.) One time, she attempted to yell at me, but my spouse stopped her, and we removed ourselves from the situation. (This wasn't the end of the story.) My spouse appreciates her, because she helps him with some aspects of his business. They are very close. I sometimes wish I could talk to her normally without this fear. When she's in a good mood, I can see a glimpse of kindness, but when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, I just want to run and hide. That's just not me. I realize it is not personal. I realize also that she means well sometimes, but her delivery is way off. But I also hate seeing her abuse others. I have been abused and have volunteered in the past to help victims of domestic violence, and speaking up for people is part of who I was. Seeing me put this part away and become so scared of her bullying is frankly traumatizing. My spouse is encouraging me to minimize interactions with her. But she's coming to visit us soon, and I am physically ill from fear. What can I change in my behavior to help me accept her as she is? How can I reconcile my desire to stand up to abuse ("Please, Mom, don't yell at the waitress because there's no Diet Coke, she's just doing her job") with the need to just ignore and let her do whatever she wants to do? How do I stop being afraid? — Destabilized by Fear | 
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